It started a few weeks ago. I woke up one day and felt uneasy. I was dealing with some family issues and thought it was the anxiety that these situations had caused. I let it go for a bit. A couple days after, it came back again. This is when it started happening. My thoughts of him seemed foreign. Something wasn’t right. I questioned myself one morning before work. It was 6:30am on a Sunday. I told him what was going on. He reassured me that everything was okay. I felt at ease again, but this didn’t last long. I questioned my relationship with him, Did I love him? Did I see a future with him? This led to my big question, was I still in love with him? I denied this idea because I didn’t want it to be true. I continually pushed the thought away thinking it was just a reckless creation of my anxiety and depression but I soon I realised it wasn’t.
We spent one Saturday shopping. We came home and unloaded everything before heading to my room to rest. I looked at him and saw the way he looked at me. It tore me to pieces knowing I wasn’t being 100% honest to him. I told myself I could wait until I was sure but I couldn’t. Tears started to form and it poured down faster than I could imagine. I saw his smile disappear. His eyes faded into sadness. It broke my heart seeing him like this and knowing it was my fault killed me more.
I was scared of being alone. I cannot deny this but I was more scared of him not being a part of my life anymore. I don’t want to let him go but the more I keep him to myself, the more I’m going to hurt him. I need to let him go.
To say that it hasn’t been difficult would be a lie. The hate I have grown is starting to eat at me and I’m scared. I feel trapped and alone. I don’t know what to do a lot of the time so I release it in large waves. It causes tsunamis around the people I love and care for. I don’t want it to happen but it comes natural to me. I just want it to stop.
When I say that I hate myself, he tells me I am worthy. When I say I’m having a bad day, he tries to understand me and work it out. I hate that he cares so much for me because I know I hurt him everyday. I fear that one day it’s going to be too much and he leaves but I can’t blame him though. I have critiqued everything he’s done. I have grown a trait that I do not want. I have grown to hate people for the little things they do. I wish I didn’t do this because I can’t imagine myself losing more people out of my own selfishness and hatred. I know I should be better.
He’s shown me so much of himself. We have seen each other’s most raw, vulnerable selves. We didn’t go this far to quit. I want to keep fighting for myself, him and us. He has shown me things I can’t admit. I am so doubtful because of my past, but this is now. Now is not the time for me to take 10 steps back. I need to move forward. I need to move forward because this is what I believe in.
I can’t exactly describe this year to myself or anyone in such detail but I can just say it was another year passing by with experiences and lessons that has changed me. I don’t know if it’s for the better or worse but it’s made me grow as a person and maybe become more me. The middle was truly rocky. I felt like I was losing touch with myself and it started to rot away at me. Before I knew it, I felt like I had next to nothing. I do have friends and I do have people that care about me but at the end of the day, I felt alone. I told myself to get back in check and get help and I did. Step by step I’m starting to piece things back again. I feel like 2019 has really shaped me. How I feel. How I think. How I am. I feel more mature and self aware and that’s the first steps to making greater changes. I’m grateful for the people around me and hopefully this year will be even better. I am content for where I ended up. Maybe it wasn’t exactly what I planned but it was a sure effort to get here. Hope 2020 brings happiness, love and self dedication.
I’m tired. Fatigued. Worn down. There doesn’t seem to be much of me there these days. I don’t know what’s going on with me. Every day seems like a blurry memory. Events that never seem to have happened. Nothing feels real. I feel so trapped sometimes. No way to get out. I distract myself to not feel things because I’m scared where my thoughts will go. I feel like I’m in a room and the walls keep drawing me in. I feel small. I feel like nothing. I just want to be happy. I see through windows of happiness. A nice sunny day with the wind passing through my hair but I want more. I want to feel at peace with myself, or even a slight grasp of what true happiness is because I’m starting to lose hold.
It’s been almost three months since we last spoken but somehow you still work your way through my mind. I still think about you and when I do, I get mixed feelings. I don’t know why I keep holding on to you. Maybe because we never got the chance to see where we would end up if it worked out. Maybe if we changed something along the way, we could have been together. I know from past experience that we hold onto people we believe to be our one and only but really, there’s plenty of people out there who will give you the same feeling without the stress or worry. I think I loved you but then again what is love?
I do not regret anything in my life because I know there was a purpose or reason for it to happen. Although it hurt me a lot to leave you behind, I know it was a lesson that I would learn later and come to understand. Sometimes I become angry and frustrated because I ask myself why I let someone like you into my life but we all have a slither of hope for people.
Last night, I dreamt about you and you had moved on. It scared me because I wanted to be the strong one. I ask myself sometimes, am I really moving on? Or is there something holding me back? Why do I still think about you? Am I just attracted to red flags or did I genuinely feel something with someone who I felt I actually made a connection with? Maybe I did and it was at the wrong time. Or maybe I’m just holding onto something I thought was different so I felt allured to it. I don’t know.
I cannot lie though, that the boy I am seeing now is wonderful. I feel for the first time, there is someone who thinks I’m valuable and who doesn’t fuck with my feelings. Someone who is upfront and cares about my wellbeing, both mentally and physically. He gives me space when I need it and speaks to me with kindness. I am never confused about how he feels and when I have questions, he’s polite and direct. He actually communicates with me, hence why I am never anxious around him. For once, someone seems to understand how I am as a person.
And I guess that’s the difference. I know I shouldn’t compare but I think I have such low value of myself that all I thought I deserved was you. You made me feel anxious and I would make excuses for your attitude and behaviour. I believe deep down in your heart you didn’t mean to hurt me but you were a toxic soul who disguised themselves as someone worth fighting for. I know right now, I still have some hatred towards you. Hopefully this will change and I will truly understand why things happened the way they did.
I do miss you but I know it’s not worth going back to. Just like my ex, you will always take a place in my heart that I will one day learn to accept and forgive. I will close that chapter of my life and start as a person who is happy and content.
I’ve been in an anxious state lately and I don’t know why. Maybe because it’s this one little issue that keeps plaguing my mind and it seems to diminish everything else around me. I’m paranoid and I can’t seem to get it out of me. I have every sort of evidence to go against that thought but I accept the one that is least likely to occur just because I think the worst of things. I can’t help it. It’s been eating me up and I’ve had several reassurances that everything is okay. I just always think there’s something wrong and if there is, it’s the end of the world. I’m scared but what for? Why am I doing this to myself? I put myself in fear because that’s all I know. I never believe that something might be going for me because I’m so used to being let down by myself. I just want to be normal again.
